It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
