i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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