Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
