I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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