I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
