He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
