So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
