I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
