Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
