There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
