6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Of course I have a pirate flag
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
