You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
