dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
