I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
