Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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