3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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