Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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