Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
