Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
