Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
