Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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