I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
