At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
