You made me cry and you don't even care
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
