Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
