U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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