I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We were destined to go to rehab together
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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