Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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