or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
