Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You ruined the universe
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
