I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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