My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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