He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
