so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
