I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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