I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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