dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
