I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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