i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
