if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
