She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
