i permit you to call me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
