Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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