oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
