who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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