I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
