How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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