Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
