Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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