If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
